divided: an expat's two homes

self-portrait, in progress

Being an American living abroad usually means that every so often, we head back to the "mother county" and pay a visit. I'm due for mine next week. Every trip back gets harder and harder - harder to say goodbye to my life here in Florence, harder to re-adjust to American culture, harder to fit back into a routine that hasn't changed much in my 24 years...it's just hard. 

After two years in Italy, I feel myself a woman divided, neither Italian nor completely American, living in a kind of limbo state. Don't get me wrong, I feel like my home is Italy and this is where I belong. But ever since my love affair with Italy began, about four years ago, I feel like wherever I go a part of me is missing. 

It's no surprise that my only close friends over here are expats themselves - it's obvious, we can relate to each other. We share the frustrations of having to spend 45 minutes in line at the post office, just to send one letter. We can snicker together at the irony of Florentine women, who on the outside look polished in their Ray-bans, high heeled Hogans and Gucci purses but as soon as they open their mouths sound like country bumpkins, cafoni. We hate how Italians will talk and talk and talk and talk about change, and then give up, lascia stare!, and go have an aperitivo. These friends of mine are from Maine, New York, Nantes and Lyon, but they are my Italian family in this mixed up world of "expatriatism"...yes, I just invented a word.

self-portrait, in progress

But I'm beginning to realize that even if I feel divided between two countries, those two countries are my homes. Two homes! I'm lucky really, with two families to love, two sets of friends to visit, two cultures to explore and enjoy, two parts of myself to cultivate. I always wanted to be a "global citizen" and I feel like I can finally call myself one. 

In the end, my home is where I make it. For now, I'll just have to lighten up and consider how fortunate I am to be a woman divided.

"I leave you my portrait so that you will have my presence all the days and nights that I am away from you."                  - Frida Kahlo